My Latest Tat

Joy To My World

I do not believe Christmas was the day Christ was born (I don't even believe in Christ in the traditional way). I was brought up in a Christian religion, but I was not brought up keeping Christmas. I am now married to a man whose family keeps Christmas, goes to church, the whole nine yards. Since marriage, I have participated in the Christmas traditions of giving gifts and visiting family. I still have no religious tie to this day. All that being said, we have just gotten back from another Christmas season with his family.

It was a bit melancholy.

I'm not sure why. I was not into the "buying" season beforehand. I was not into the day, getting up early, watching the kids open way too many gifts. I was not into all the gluttony and stuffing myself until I felt I couldn't (or shouldn't) eat for a week. I am disenchanted.

I was into seeing my nephews, spending hours having thought-provoking conversation with my in-laws, and sleeping in.

There were two highlights to the past few days.

The first was showing up to my brother- and sister-in-law's and them telling me that my three year old nephew woke up that morning (Christmas morning) yelling: "Aunt Heather, Aunt Heather! Where are you? I want Aunt Heather!" What a boost to the ego to know that I won over Santa Claus. The second highlight was opening a gift from my husband and finding a beginners guide to Buddhism. Ah! the irony!

I think I was very introspective this season. I am starting to see that I have too much "stuff". I am not in the mood to increase my possessions, but I am trying to understand ways that I can move to a more simple life. A life that is more spiritually satisfying. I am also not in the mood to increase the amount that others possess. I look at what others have, and do not see fairness in the distribution.

I am also missing having children. We have been trying for a couple of years. Nothing. I try to stay positive and believe there is a reason, but that is all I want in my life. I love kids. I want nothing more than to have that helpless being to love. I want a child that I can teach. That I can read to. That I can sing to. That I can just sit and look at for hours. Many of our friends have been blessed with children this past year. I am so happy for all of them, but at the same time, I am jealous. That is not a very giving attitude, but this is one area that I am going to remain selfish. I so enjoyed holding our friends children and our nephews, but it's not the same as having my own. Maybe I am not meant to have a child. Maybe my energies are meant to be shared elsewhere. I hope this is not the truth, but it may be a reality I will need to accept.

So, at the end of this holiday season, I am not satisfied. I am a bit reflective at the closing of this year. More so than I have ever been before. I am glad, because in many ways I have discovered many things that are about to launch my life into a different (and hopefully better) path. But, I also realize things are not going to get easier. I have a lot of work to do to be and become the person I know I should be.

Where Am I?

I have been blocked out of my blog! I can't view my blog when I log on. I can view my blog from others blog links. Why do the blogging gods hate me?

I have to get to the bottom of this. This post is a desparate attempt to cry out for help in hopes that someone, somewhere can hear me...

Am I missing something here?

Okay, I have not read the Chronicles of Narnia since childhood, and am currently on book 3 of 7. I just read and saw in the news that the story is Christian based. Am I missing something or have the "Christians" once again laid claim to something just to throw Christianity in my face? If the stories are, indeed, Christian based, the message is so subtle it is almost indecipherable. Either that, or I'm stupid (which I pretty confident is not the case). If it were not the intent of Lewis to have this magical fairyland story linked to a religious message, shame on the "Christians". Why do they think they have the right to take over all of the media, society, rights, etc.? Who are they to tell me what I can do, what I can watch, what I can read, what I can listen to, what I can say. Are they God? Last time I checked, no.

Arrrrggggghhhhh.

Judgemental, hypocritical, controlling SOB's!!!

I do not mean any offense to those of you who read this blog and are what I would consider a true Christian: non-judgemental, humble, loving, selfless, understanding ...

The place we now call home

Well, here it is, our apartment.

The Journey

After thirty-one years on this earth, I have come to the understanding that my world is more than what I perceive. This may seem like an obvious statement, but I mean more by it than what is on the surface.

I, alone, have the ability to shape my world. I know my desires ... fears ... dreams. I am the only one who can interpret my perceptions and come to a full understanding of how my actions affect things, possibly, beyond my knowledge.

I, alone, have the ability to make a situation good or bad. I have that control.

I, alone, determine the outcome of my life. There will be obstacles along the way. There will be influence from others, but I have the ability to make decisions on how I will interpret the information I am given, and how I will let it alter the course of my life.

I, alone, can make sure my time on earth lives up to its highest potential. As humans, we all have the ability to make choices. Those decisions affect our own lives as well as others. If our own lives are based on simplicity, love, patience, understanding, then our affect on others will be positive.

We all have to exist on this planet. Together. Why do I observe and experience so much discord among the human race? More individuals appear to be working against each other, not with.

In this past year I have experienced, first hand, unconditional love. It was unexpected. It helped me realize how selfish I was actually living. I understand, now, that all it really takes is a selflessness. It is so easy, once you see the world outside of yourself.

So, do I contradict myself?

I don't believe so. Each human has the individual power and strength to do good beyond their comprehension. However, to do that requires a constant retrospection to deep within. One has to be able to know what prohibits them from going outside of the comfort level, and then taking that step.

That is growth.

It is a constant give and take. (A reaching, if you will).

I am ready to start that journey. I know that I can give to the world as much, if not more than I take. I know I don't need all that I have. I know I want more than I need. Those wants cause me stress, sadness, anger and disappointment.

I want to do away with the extraneous negative influences, emotions and desires and concentrate on the good. I know this will be a lifelong journey and today is the first day.

It's so small!

My first digital camera was delivered today. I am so excited. It is no bigger than my cell phone! It rocks! Of course, they don't mail you a charged battery, so I am currently waiting to play with the camera until my battery recharges .... The great thing about having a digital camera AND a blog is I can now publish pics with my descriptions. Much better to have visuals. This will especially come in handy when we go to Belize.

still charging ....

I like how on the crime scene shows they have all of this technology that allows them to solve crimes with a few clicks of the mouse. It really is amazing. Think of all the crimes that could be solved if we only had tv technology. The sad thing is there are people out there who probably believe this stuff is real. I mean, if they could extract DNA from all of the things tv indicates, all of the crimes in the world should be solved. Plus, these people are geniuses in their crime solving. The way they piece things together. WOW!

still charging ....

yeah! it's done. Now I can start taking pics. See you on the net.