Joy To My World

I do not believe Christmas was the day Christ was born (I don't even believe in Christ in the traditional way). I was brought up in a Christian religion, but I was not brought up keeping Christmas. I am now married to a man whose family keeps Christmas, goes to church, the whole nine yards. Since marriage, I have participated in the Christmas traditions of giving gifts and visiting family. I still have no religious tie to this day. All that being said, we have just gotten back from another Christmas season with his family.

It was a bit melancholy.

I'm not sure why. I was not into the "buying" season beforehand. I was not into the day, getting up early, watching the kids open way too many gifts. I was not into all the gluttony and stuffing myself until I felt I couldn't (or shouldn't) eat for a week. I am disenchanted.

I was into seeing my nephews, spending hours having thought-provoking conversation with my in-laws, and sleeping in.

There were two highlights to the past few days.

The first was showing up to my brother- and sister-in-law's and them telling me that my three year old nephew woke up that morning (Christmas morning) yelling: "Aunt Heather, Aunt Heather! Where are you? I want Aunt Heather!" What a boost to the ego to know that I won over Santa Claus. The second highlight was opening a gift from my husband and finding a beginners guide to Buddhism. Ah! the irony!

I think I was very introspective this season. I am starting to see that I have too much "stuff". I am not in the mood to increase my possessions, but I am trying to understand ways that I can move to a more simple life. A life that is more spiritually satisfying. I am also not in the mood to increase the amount that others possess. I look at what others have, and do not see fairness in the distribution.

I am also missing having children. We have been trying for a couple of years. Nothing. I try to stay positive and believe there is a reason, but that is all I want in my life. I love kids. I want nothing more than to have that helpless being to love. I want a child that I can teach. That I can read to. That I can sing to. That I can just sit and look at for hours. Many of our friends have been blessed with children this past year. I am so happy for all of them, but at the same time, I am jealous. That is not a very giving attitude, but this is one area that I am going to remain selfish. I so enjoyed holding our friends children and our nephews, but it's not the same as having my own. Maybe I am not meant to have a child. Maybe my energies are meant to be shared elsewhere. I hope this is not the truth, but it may be a reality I will need to accept.

So, at the end of this holiday season, I am not satisfied. I am a bit reflective at the closing of this year. More so than I have ever been before. I am glad, because in many ways I have discovered many things that are about to launch my life into a different (and hopefully better) path. But, I also realize things are not going to get easier. I have a lot of work to do to be and become the person I know I should be.