My mom died ten years ago today.
The day before my 22nd birthday.
I have to be honest and say I did not think about it until my dad sent an email relaying a message he had received in a card.
That made me feel guilty, but at the same time, it is not like I have forgotten her. I have a thought of her almost everyday that goes by. I aspire to live my life in a way that will honor hers.
It is hard to believe that 10 years has passes so quickly. I have done so much in that time. I have become such a different person. When she died, I was two months away from graduating from college. I had a boyfriend of almost a year (who is now my wonderful husband). I was enjoying school, trying to be an independent young adult, getting ready to step out into the world and make it mine.
The morning she died, my youngest sister came in and woke me up to tell me. I couldn't cry. She was 10 and needed to know everything was going to be okay. We were going to make it. We all still had each other. The rest of that morning was a blur. I remember taking my mom's engagement ring and wedding band off her hand before she was taken to the funeral home. They were hard to get off and I was afraid I was going to hurt her if I pulled too hard. At some point, I called Christian to let him know. He was already in classes, so I had to ask the secretary to tell him it was urgent he call me. I don't remember what I said to him. He talked to his professors and skipped out of classes that morning. Later that day, I went to studio to explain to my classmates what was going on and I didn't think I would be in class for a couple of days. There were six of us doing a design-build project that semester for our senior exit project. I remember they were all meeting and I walked up to the group and started telling them that my mom had died. Christian was standing beside me. I could hardly get the words out before the tears came. I think that was the first time that day I allowed myself to cry. All I remember was walking downstairs, sitting on a bench and a couple of the guys just sitting beside me with their arm around me. No words needed to be said.
That night we had the viewing. The next day the funeral. The amount of people that attended was astounding. Some how I made it through the remainder of that semester and graduated. I didn't get into grad school until the next year, so I worked. Emotionally, I think I was pretty numb for a few years. I don't know how Christian could endure my moods. It was a tough time, to say the least.
In the past ten years, I graduated from undergrad, got my Masters of Architecture, got married, moved half way across the country and back, learned that people can be really bad and really good, made friends with people that enrich my life, learned what love truly is and that it can come in many different forms, watched my sisters grow from little girls into young women, watched my dad piece his life back together and become strong again, experienced the new life of friends and nephews, and have learned what is important in life, what isn't and what makes me happy.
I can't wait to see what the next ten years has to hold. I can only continue to live a life that will honor my mom.
