Stupid Tears

So, I just read my sister's blog, and she was talking about our mom. I don't seem to remember as many of her physical characteristics and quirks (although I know she had many) as I do her personality. It is impossible to say what type of advice she would have given each of us as we continued to mature. She would have changed as much as we have over the past nine years. I am not entirely sure that it is important to try to think about what mom would have told us. Dad gives great advice, so I don't want to try to guess otherwise. What I do remember is how she lived her life. That speaks more to me than any words she might have spoken.

She sacrificed.

I am just beginning to get it. She had to sacrifice things growing up. She didn't get to go to college because of her evil stepfather. Did she complain about it? I never heard her. She raised her family and did what jobs she could get with her experience. She was always great at them. Everyone loved her. But, I don't think she knew that. I know I certainly did not do a good job of telling her.

That is what I regret most about not having a mom now. I never got the chance to grow into an adult relationship with her. I was still selfish and self-centered when she died. Now I could tell her how important of a person she was. How so many of my characteristics are shaped by how she raised me.

I think the most influential moment surrounding her death was at her funeral. The service was packed. There were people standing out in the lobby because there wasn't an empty seat. The funeral procession was amazing. You would have thought a dignitary had died. I realized at that moment how important mom was to so many people. She touched everyone in some way. She made everyone feel important. And she made it seem so easy.

I hope I can be half the woman she was.