I Don't Know Where I'm Going, But I Sure Know Where I've Been
I have been asked about my faith. I thought I would get it all out, past and present. It may help many of you know me better, and it may help me straighten some things out for myself. So, here it goes ...
I will start off with a little background.
I was raised Christian, but not in the traditional way. I was taught the entire bible. Christ came and died for our sins, but he did not do away with the teachings of the old testament. So, we kept the holy days found in the old testament. We did not eat "unclean" meat. We kept Saturday as the Sabbath. We did not celebrate Christmas, Easter, Halloween, etc. I was diligent in obeying all of the rules until I reached 18 or 19. At that point, I was getting to the age that I could be baptized in the church. I did not feel that I was being called. I stopped going to church. I also took anthropology in college, and that raised questions, in my mind, about the validity of what I had grown up believing.
At the age of 21 we found out my mom had cancer. One year later, the day before my 22nd birthday, she died. One night I prayed and asked God to heal her or relieve her of her pain. The next morning my younger sister woke me up to tell me my mom was dead.
How could I trust and obey a God that took my mom away after I asked him for help?
I hated Him.
Even as I write this, the pain of that moment surfaces like it happened yesterday.
So, from that moment I stopped believing in this God. I found the strength in myself to get over the loss of my mom. A few years ago I went through a major depression. It was through my own strength that I was able to get through it. So, here I am. I know I have an internal strength. I know I cannot go back to what I once knew as Truth. But, I know that there is wisdom beyond me. I am trying to get a balance in my life, in my attitude, in the way I treat others.
I have recently started studying Buddhism. I found that it follows along the lines that I had been thinking, but it gives me an outside teaching and understanding that I could not have found internally. I do not think my way of thought is the right, only way. I believe that everyone should find a peace in spirituality or religion, but it does not have to be the same teaching. If it makes you take stock of your actions, if it emphasizes love for others, if it teaches you and causes you to be a basic "good" person, then I am all for it. It may not be for me, personally, but I am not going to judge you for not believing as I do, and I ask the same in return. I think we are all looking for the same things, but there are so many ways to reach the summit (whatever that may be). And we don't all have to have the same goal. I don't necessarily care if there is a life after this one. I want to make the most of this life, and if it pays off afterward, then that's a bonus. I can't live this life hoping for something that may or may not come.
So, that is where I am and where I've been. Where this leads me is anyone's guess. It is both exciting and scary. The one hope I have is I can touch as many people as my mom did. You would have thought a dignitary had died at the sight of her funeral procession. And in many ways, it was true. I just wish she knew.
posted by Heather @ 10:00 AM
9 Comments:
When I was younger that was one of the first things I remember praying for. Maybe that's why I have a hard time having the faith I need to believe God will answer all my other ones. I think that's something we all struggle with.
The faith question has bothered me too all through my life, even as a child. Although born a Hindu, I have now come to a conclusion that every individual should sit down and draft a religion of their own, which is basically the set of beliefs and principles they choose to live with; their credo. I think that every person has the willingness to live by a set of principles which would be considered good by everybody. Do we need to follow what a few people thought fit thousands of years ago? Hinduism, for instance, firmly believes in the concept of rebirth, which I do not believe in. As an example, the following below summarizes my religion. You may have an entirely different religion. I just felt like sharing mine with someone.
My Religion:
1. We do not know how we have been created on this earth. We also do not know the source of the Universe. We have no understanding of the source of energy in the stars and we do not know how life is created and how it is supported through time. We will probably never know.
2. We humans are created just like all living beings on the earth; and so we are perishable just like every living being on earth.
3. However, we have a better understanding of the happenings on earth, because of our better mental abilities. Due to these abilities, we are able to make life more comfortable for ourselves, compared to other beings on earth.
4. Due to our better mental abilities, we have been able to create a system of living, where we do not need to risk our existence everyday for survival, which is what other living beings go through.
5. The Truth: However, we should remember that despite the sophisticated systems we created for living, entertainment and comfort, we are fundamentally perishable. The more sophisticated this system becomes, the more susceptible we become to ignoring this fundamental truth. As this system becomes more and more advanced, it only becomes harder for us to accept the truth that we all perish one day.
6. The Purpose: We should use our intellectual abilities to create for ourselves a system of living and advance this system to the maximum possible extent in the finite amount of time we have before we perish. We should be grateful for our ability to create and advance such a system.
7. So, rather than worrying about our perishable nature, we should put our intellect to the best use possible and enjoy it while we do so. Enjoy every moment of life and be glad that you are contributing to the system in your own way.
8. Fear is the mind-killer. It kills creativity. We have been able to accomplish so much, only because we were able to create a system that allows us to live without fear, for a large part of our existence.
9. Tension is not good. Our intellect allows us to create a way of living without tension. Tension and fear can be removed, through the use of deep breathing, meditation and exercise.
I was praying for Mom to be healed the exact moment that she died. Definitely something I had to work through.
I wish I'd had the opportunity to know your mom.
Hey maybe I figured out what we have in common...
When I was 10, I used to attend faith healing services with my mom...she was waiting for her miracle just as her mother did before dying of breast cancer. My Grandmother was a bible thumping evangelist and a true believer. My mother put off brain surgery to wait for her miracle. I know she had the faith. God had other plans. I too, prayed at night for her to get better. She died a week or so after surgery. I get to be haunted by the argument I had with my dad before her surgery. I wanted to go to the state fair with a friend to see the "Jackson 5" instead of spending a few more days with her...I left on my trip and never saw her alive again.
hmmm....was I mad at God? Never. I have learned that His wisdom is
for the best. If he had answered all my prayers, I would be divorced from my first boyfriend, who is gay. Among other prayers I am glad he didn't answer.
All I can say about faith is that it takes patience, prayer and you will see the how God can move in your life.
I don't judge you for searching for something other than the faith you were raised by. Each person needs to make a decision for themselves.
For me, personally, I can point to specific things and see God's wisdom and hand in directing. And I just gotta trust that, it's what keeps me sane. I won't lie to you and say that everyday is Nirvana, noooo, but I got somewhere to plant my heavy heart....when some days just suck.
I am not at theologically poetic as my neighbor, The Reacher, but I am too, just a girl in this world...
Peace girlfriend.
avon
I think one key is I had already discounted religion before this event. I was questioning the "idea" of God a few years earlier. This event sent me to the point of not wanting to know a God such as this. As time has gone on, I don't hate as much as admit I don't know what the "truth" is, but I don't feel comfortable with organized religion. There may or may not be a God. I don't think I need to know that at this point in my life. I just need to work on making me better, loving others and all the rest will fall into place. Who knows, I may become a devout Christian in my latter years. (nobody hold your breath). :P
I also want to thank everyone for all of their posts. I hope that I am not coming across as a know-it-all. I'm just searching. It helps to have an open forum to learn new points of view. It helps me grow.
This is about the third comment I've written. I erased my other attempts.
When I read and stop to think about what a loss that is, for you and for many of my friends with the same pain, it's a heavy burden. I can't fully understand it because I haven't had it. I've only seen the pain of those left, in my friends.
I can understand your doubts, even your resentment.
Please understand what I'm saying and about to say is out of respect and compassion. I'm struggling to be respectful towards you as you certainly seem to be a descent and intelligent person, but I have a tendency to come across as cynical and arrogant in writing. My tone is not aggressive or accusing, but is sincere.
I understand there are many other factors that led to your decisions and beliefs, but a large one seems to the loss of your mom. Kind of a breaking point. Have you considered it from other perspectives, though?
"We must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God." You lived it for many years, you know what it is to live so differently from the world around you. The life of a Christian is difficult, but it strengthens those that take it. We rarely see the positive consequences of trials and difficulties, and may never know the reason God allowed them. Some are for correction, some instruction, some for the benefit of others, and some are merely a test of faith and obedience. There are probably other reasons, too.
If God is real, which I wholly believe, then what's most important is not this physical life. It's obedience and service to him. It's not important how long of a life is lived, but how it is lived and what is done within it. God allowed His own Son to die to fulfill a purpose. Then the church and His disciples were persecuted and killed, but some remained faithful. Your mom was convicted of her beliefs, and she remained faithful to her death. Your father is still today. If God is real, then both have endured terrible losses for God and will benefit for it. For all that was seen and considered in their lives, they knew God and Christ to be real. There was no "if."
Your dad and sisters have a different perspective, convicted of the existence of a true God, a perspective I share. I mention them because I haven't shared your life or experiences, but they have. It is something to be considered.
I dunno, I think I'm getting preachy. I just hate to see you looking for something you've had all along, especially something so important. I could ramble on and on, but this is probably introduction enough ;)
And I'd love to talk about the other aspects, too. I find it interesting. Also let me know if you're ever in the upper Midwest. I'd love to meet the eldest sister.
Oh, and please overlook the spelling errors and jumpy thought lines. It's past my bedtime.
As I stated in the previous comment, my mom's death was not the only event that caused me to disregard the "idea" of God. I had been questioning it all for a few years previously. I can also say that through her death I learned to take the pain and find the positive in the experience (an extremely hard task at times). I try, daily, to live a life that is in honor to her and my dad and the positive examples they have set for me. I also admire the conviction that my dad and sisters have. In many ways they are stronger than me. I have often told my husband that I am not interested in organized religion. I find inspiration in a greater power in nature, in the goodness of people, in all that has been created. However, if I do get to the point in my life that I go to church, it will be back to what I grew up in. I don't know if it is because it is so engrained in me, or if deep down I think that it is the "truth". That is something I have always struggled with. I do not want to follow along blindly just because it is what I am used to. That is what started my questioning in the beginning.
I admire all of those who have faith in a higher power, no matter how it is personally defined. Do I believe there is a power greater than us that created everything? Yes. Do I believe that power influences daily events? Ironically, at this point - no. Looking back, I cannot blame a God for taking my mom away. She died because there was a family history of cancer and she was a victim of heredity. It wasn't because she or anyone did anything wrong. I do not believe we were being "punished". Death happens. To everyone. Unfortunately, we were victims, and that never seems fair.
I guess a difference in my dad and myself was I was already questioning religion, and through the events I rejected that and learned to become stronger in myself. He turned to his religion and hopefully has grown stronger in it. My sisters were both young enough that they still had many years of attending church with dad to gain their own strength, and put distance between mom's death and their convictions.
The thing I am finding through all of the comments I am receiving is it is causing me to really think through what I believe. I am not ready to "go to church", but I am becoming more comfortable in my spirituality.
I appreciate your comments. I am enjoying "meeting" my sister's friends. I don't know that we will be making our way to the upper Midwest, but if you ever get to Atlanta or visiting Summer, we'll try to get together.
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